I was watching The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning last night (it sucked. . .don’t bother) when something occured to me; I’ve never once had what can be considered “summer love.” Why that thought popped into my brain while watching Leatherface chop people into messy bits with his trusty chainsaw might be cause for concern (a psychologist would probably have a field day with that one) but the fact remains. I’ve had my share of summer flings, but nothing that could even remotely be considered “love.” I remember one girl who could do this really cool trick with a ping-pong ball and it used to make me smile like a little boy who just stumbled upon his daddy’s porn collection, but after watching her launch that little plastic sphere from between legs a few dozen times it started to lose its allure. I wonder what she’s up to these days. Anyway, I know that had nothing to do with these pics (my writing usually doesn’t, so if you don’t like it I apologize) but I just had to get it out in the open. Now grab a paddle.
Full Set Over at Paul’s World.
Filed under SFW, Danielle Lloyd by Celebri-Net | SFW | 1 comment
I was getting ready for work the other day (yes, some of us actually have jobs) when a Jehovah’s Witness knocked at my door. Usually I just cower in the corner somewhere until they go away but on that particular afternoon I decided to humor the poor sumbitch and actually listen to what he had to say. Big mistake. The first words out of his mouth were “I need to be saved,” to which I responded with nothing but a blank and dumbfounded stare. I was shocked. Who did this douchebag think he was? For all he knew I could have been a bible-toting member of the local church, but this guy immediately thought I was a sinner (maybe he knew about this site) and felt the need to confront me about it. I couldn’t believe the nerve of this guy so I did the first thing that popped into my assaulted and reeling brain; I opened the screen door and let my dog out on his ass. Now, for those that don’t know me or haven’t been reading this blog for a while you don’t know that I own two beautiful pit bulls. I have a female that weighs in at about 75 pounds and a male (her puppy) that’s getting bigger by the second. The little guy loves people; not so much mama. Understand that I didn’t literally let my dog out to attack him (I held on to her collar because I’m not particularly keen on going to prison) but opened the door a little bit to scare him. And guess what? It worked. Mr. Obnoxious took to his heels and got the fuck out of dodge so fast he forgot to inform me that if I didn’t shape up and get my act together I would be banished to hell for all eternity (or whatever they believe). I also didn’t get a chance to tell him it was too late.
Full Set Over at Paul’s World.
Filed under SFW, Britney Spears by Celebri-Net | SFW | 0 comments
Pleasant early-morning story alert! I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to a rude and utterly immobilzing shooting pain in my stomach, and anyone who has ever eaten an entire sack of White Castle hamburgers (if you haven’t you’re missing out on one of the most scrumptious burgers man has ever created) can tell you that can only mean one thing. So, as I made my way to the throne I was under the assumption that once I got there, opened the obligatory reading material (in this case it’s a book and so far, so good in that department) and prepared myself for a nice, satisfying number 2 everything would be hunky-dory. Imagine my shock and amazement when not only did it take no less than 30 seconds (as opposed to the time-consuming 10 - 15 minutes that seems to have been ingrained in the brains of every male walking the earth since the beginning of time) but it exploded out of my ass like a raging bull out of the chute. I didn’t even have time to find my place in the book, and I have a bookmark. On top of that the toilet water splashed my pasty butt cheeks like a frolicking teenager at spring break, which when you think about it is kind of gross considering what I had just deposited in there. Anyway, enjoy these shots of Britney in a bikini (which looks to be a thong, but sadly there are no ass shots to speak of. . .yet); I have to go dry off.
Filed under SFW, Site News by Celebri-Net | SFW | 3 comments
Our apologies for being down the last 22 hours. We would like to thank all of our faithful readers who emailed us with thier inquires and concerns, and to all those who didn’t have the common courtesy to contact us with a little “is everything alright”, go f*ck your selves… Here’s what happened:
Apparently Kim Kardashian’s lawsuit had more impact then we originally anticipated, because the company that distributed her private sex tape thought it would be nice to send our hosting provider a scary letter from the big bad Copyright Infringement monster.
And since GoDaddy is about as sympathetic as hurricane Katrina when it comes to letters regarding Copyright claims, we got a “Service Temporarily Not Available” page thrown on our site and Vivid got a good laugh. We removed any media the company may have felt was conflicting with their copyright agreement (A Video that didn’t work, and some thumbnail caps that were just big enough for some small insects to recognize what was actually happening in them), and Godaddy re-activated C-Net.
Neither Vivid Entertainment nor GoDaddy contacted us with any threats, warnings, or “you better” letters before temporarily suspending our service, so we were just as surprised as Vivid’s mother was when she found out that the rough wrinkly section on that big black elephant’s penis she’s been using as a vaginal thermometer wasn’t supposed to be quite so rough and smell quite so much like gonorrhea.
Unfortunately this matter could not have come at a worser time because for the Memorial Day weekend I will be retreating to the tropical cools of my backyard with 150 other vacationers to commemorate what ever event the government wanted us to forget about when they developed the holiday. And since guy vs. girls flip cup tournaments, and power hour aren’t the best activities to precede writing an article, unless you like rants on why my mother never huged me as a kid to go with pictures of Britney Spears not wearing a bra again, I won’t be posting anything until Tuesday.
Have a Happy Holiday Everyone, and don’t forget to fist Vivid’s mother in her brown eye (elbow deep) before you all go to sleep tonight.
Filed under SFW, Danielle Lloyd by Celebri-Net | SFW | 0 comments
Danielle Lloyd and I have something in common. She wants to have a nasty, sexual romp in the sack with another woman (Carmen Electra specifically) and I want to watch it. Seriously, could you imagine being in the room as her and another girl (Carmen Electra specifically) got down and dirty? The kissing, the touching. . .it’s enough to drive a man insane with anticipation. The only other time I wanted to see something so badly was when I was 7 and The Goonies hit theatres. How do I remember that? Because I have the memory of a 90-year-old. . .wait, what was I saying? Sorry, I got distracted by the thought of Danielle and Carmen playing Hide the Strap-On with each other.
Full Set Over at Paul’s World.
Past Celebri-Net Article On Llyod’s Lesbian Desire, Can Be Found Here.
